This is an ending of a romance story one of casle times so just tell me what you think.
She held his freezing hand.
Waiting for the cold, dark end.
The red pouring blood became cold as ice
the arrow punctured his right sholder.
He was too stiff to pull out.
They held each others hands and knew it was the sad end
they lay there,ring on each finger their love was pure
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
I think I came off sounding wrong...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be overly critical. I do really like it, I was merely offering suggestions that even if you choose not to apply them to this poem may help with others as well...my apologies again. I do look forward to more poems from you in the future as well as the story that goes with this one.
-Tangerine.
Brilliant effort and i like your imagary alot, Also the descriptions were very good and very accurate for such a situation to be real.
I would say pay no mind to harsh criticizm just be good at telling the difference between overly harsh criticizm and constructive.
I think the point above is very good and i agree....try leave more to the readers imagination by giving them the exact image your seeing in your head when you think up of a line or image.
Dont worry weather anyone else gets it or not because poetry is about different peoples expression so you be your own.
Overall really liked the entire theme and look forward to future posts
Yeah. While the points above are valid, I think its an excellent effort. On websites like this age often seems to go out the window and a 10 year old can be criticized as if they had the vocabulary of their grand-father.
If I were to suggest anything, I'd say try to be a bit more imaginative with the words you use and try describe the character, scene or aspect to make the reader think rather than stating exactly what you want the reader to think.
This for example leads the reader to that exact image, whereas if you play with the words you can force the reader to come up with a less cliched image and most likely relate it to their own experiences.
None the less, keep it up - just keep writing.
I agree with ET that you need to go over spelling and grammar. YWS actually has one built right in. Just a note: You need to put a space after the comma. It makes it much easier to read. As far as punctuation goes, this piece needs more. My rule of thumb would be put periods and commas where you would put them in prose (not poetry).
This is an alright start, but you could definitely expand/describe better. "Cold as ice?" Very cliche. I like what ET did with the line above.
I really like the idea of the ending lines but it needs rewording. Perhaps:
They held hands, their love pure till the end.
They lay there, rings still on their fingers.
Overall, not too bad. Keep writing!
Ok here goes. First...I'm not sure I completely understand this cause its the end to a story I haven't read but that aside...I highly suggest you get a spell checker. (Mozilla Firefox 2 which is free to download has one that works on text boxes like this one
) That said. EXPAND! I can tell that you have a very clear image of this one, but you don't give the reader much help...For instance
What kind of red was it? We know it's blood but you could be less obvious and more poetic (especially since it's a romance novel) by saying something like "The crimson stream was full of icy remorse"It's a good start, but I suggest trying to be much more descriptive.
-Tangerine